No Fail Boundaries Review

Sharon Silver from Proactive Parenting gave me access to one of her seminars in exchange for my review here on the blog. I loved it! If there's one thing I have learned in the past four years, it is that parenting is way harder than I ever, ever, ever imagined. And there's so much pressure! These toddler/preschool years are critical to laying the foundation for the rest of our lives!!!!

So when I had to choose from 10 seminars, I found myself drawn to the "No Fail Boundaries" seminar. The description:

There is nothing more draining on a families bond than yelling the rules all day long. When parents yell, they're forcing their child(ren) to jump over the hurdle of their anger in order to learn.  This seminar shares how to show children what they've done wrong, and what they need to be doing instead, all without yelling, even when a child has been caught red-handed.


When Sharon asked the question: do you feel the need to repeat yourself over and over, the need to correct behavior more than once? I felt like raising my hand saying "I do"!!

One of the most important lessons for me was the reminder that children are emotionally immature! They are mentally incapable of grasping the concept of cause and effect..(until around age 7 or 8)..Any attention is good attention! If mommy spends 5 minutes on a long, drawn out explanation telling me why I can't go into the fridge without permission - it's 5 more minutes in the day that I am getting attention from her!!

So how do you correct this behavior? A couple of simple things:

1. Remain calm so that there is LESS energy the child has created by misbehaving - not more, LESS attention when they misbehave, LESS WORDS when correcting behavior,.

2. Increase attention when there is no misbehavior by doing things like a mommy/child night or daddy/child night (go for walk with mommy), family movie night, game night. Don't threaten that they will lose the special night - remember, they don't understand cause and effect.

3. Create an umbrella chart - a physical representation of what the rules are in your family. I LOVE THIS IDEA and am planning on introducing this chart to our family asap!

How do we "cross the bridge" from their child way-of-thinking to our adult way- of-thinking?

I. List the family rules; rules that are stated so broadly that they can be general.
 Use PRESCHOOL WORDS:
           Be Nice (love this rule because it is 100% general; be nice to parents, siblings, grandparents,             friends, pets, furniture, etc..
           Our Family Isn't Late
           We Let Adults do Adult Things and Kids do Kid Things
II. Next you need to make sure to write down ON THE CHART what happens when the rules are broken.
           There's a lot of leeway here; some families may do time-outs, or removing privileges.


And finally, an example of the whole process put together:
A child opens the fridge without permission (happens a lot in our home!)

Get firm
Reduce words - use words like STOP, DON"T MOVE, BE A STATUE
Lower your tone, really lower it..an octave!! (mom's voice tends to go up but is more effective when it is lower)
Walk them to the chart
Ask them, what happens when we do things that adults are supposed to do?
Be supportive in your tone, empathetic
Let the chart be the bad guy
KEEP REACTION AND ANGER out of the equation
Then implement the consequence
Always end with a hug and a smile!

I already feel more in control over my reactions and the past couple days have gone really well!! Kaitlyn already knows this chart is coming and is going to help me create it, drawing pictures of each rule, and helping to hang it up.Let me know in the comments (if you have read this far, lol), what you think.


I was fortunate enough to receive a free copy of this seminar by:

Sharon Silver - Proactive Parenting

Author of Stop Reacting and Start Responding, 

108 Ways to Discipline Consciously and Become the Parent You Want to Be

Book site: www.reactrespond.com

*Currently quoted in the May Issue of Parenting Magazine, pg. 87& 89

Main site: www.proactiveparenting.net

Circle of Moms Round-Up http://bit.ly/gglX17 

TV: Stop Reacting, Start Responding @ MomTV.com, Weds. 1 EST

Twitter: @Sharon_Silver

Facebook: Sharon.ProActiveParenting.Tips